If you’ve been following along with my almost daily #AtoZChallenge posts, you might have noticed that I haven’t published anything in a while.
Well, there’s a reason for that.
For the past couple weeks, I’ve been in an extremely depressive state – one of the worst episodes I’ve had in quite some time.
I’ve withdrawn myself emotionally. I’ve been irritable and volatile in my anger, and my patience with myself and others has been low and extremely erratic.
I’ve towed the line with some very dark thoughts.
I didn’t let my husband know until today the extent of my depression. Until today, he assumed I was just being antisocial and lazy, which is easy to assume with an invisible disease like depression.
I’ve often described depression as living in a fog – you know what’s out there, waiting for you: your friends, your family, your career – but sometimes it’s obscured through the lens of depression and you can’t always find your way through.
I’d be lying if I sat here and said I haven’t had suicidal thoughts before – and there have been times when I’ve teetered on that fine line between thinking and doing – but I will catch myself and remind myself how utterly selfish it is to think that way.
As Jenny Lawson (“The Bloggess”) has often said, “Depression Lies.” There are times when it tells you just what you want to hear: that you really are worthless, that no one likes you, that it’s okay to run away, it’s okay to withdraw, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.
But it’s not.
In some of my darkest hours I’ve sat and played out what the aftermath would be: how hurt my family would be, how devastated my husband and children would feel. How could I do that to them? How could I take their mother away from them, traumatize them like that? How could I damage my husband that way and leave him to raise our children alone? How could I ask my family to bury their child?
And as morbid as those thoughts are, they are ultimately what pulls my head back above the water.
In an attempt to be what everyone needs me to be, I will sometimes get to a point where I let every little thing slide until I find myself in a situation like this:
And as funny as that GIF is, it’s also sad how accurate it is. How many of us just let ourselves be steamrolled because we don’t feel WORTHY of acknowledging when we’re hurting? How many of us get to the point where asking for help is just too hard?
Trust me, there have been so many times that I’ve wished that there was a simple antibiotic that I could take for 10 days and “magically” be cured of my depression. That I could take a few pills, talk to a doctor a couple times and POOF! You’re back to being “normal” again – congrats!
For all of you who have ever felt that way – you are not alone. I am here with you, and I will continue to be here with you because even though I’m fighting an invisible disease that can never be cured, I refuse to give up. And I hope you never give up either.
So what I’m saying is this: I’m still here, and I intend to finish my #AtoZChallenge and get back on track with my blogging. This wasn’t the end of my race – I just took a little detour.
See you at the finish line.