Quandary

noun: a state of perplexity or uncertainty over what to do in a difficult situation.


This is my “Q” contribution to the “A to Z Challenge.”


I was first introduced to this word back in high school by my best friend. I’ve thought of it often as I’ve maneuvered my way through life since the awkward days of school lockers and failing Chemistry (I passed with a C – Go Bulldogs!).

Each of us, in our own way and at one time or another, have been in a quandary. Should I apply for this job? Should I ask this person out? Can I pull off this skirt? Should I wire money to this Nigerian prince?

To some people, the “difficult situation” might not seem like one at all. They might say something along the lines of “you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” But as someone who has depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and bipolar disorder, sometimes no matter how we look at a situation, it’s STILL going to be a mountain, even if we know in our heart of hearts that it’s just a molehill.

So what’s my quandary? Honestly—I think I’m having a mid-life crisis, in my mid-30’s.

I feel unfulfilled at my job, and that I would be so much happier if I did something extreme like open up my own bookstore.

That being said, I also know that the idea of that dream becoming a reality is so far outside of the realm of possibility that it’s a bit sad to still hold onto it. That doesn’t mean I’ve given it up, though. I think about it almost every day, will look at rental locations in town and neighboring smaller communities as I drive past and wonder what it would be like/what I would call it/how I would decorate it, etc.

I’ve also entered that weird time in my life where my oldest isn’t old enough to be left alone, so I’ve been giving myself stress ulcers trying to nail down a childcare schedule for her this summer that won’t be boring for her and that also won’t break the bank for us. I think I almost have everything nailed down, but there are still a few loose ends I need to tie up.

My husband and I are also like two ships passing in the night—by the time we get the girls into bed, I’m usually exhausted from a long day at work after getting up at 5 am, and he’s a night owl so he doesn’t always want to go to sleep. I feel like the worst wife ever since there are nights when I just pass out without even saying good night.

I wish I had an easy solution to close up this post with a neat little bow—one of those “this is how I did it, and YOU CAN TOO!” type of messages.

But, I don’t.

In all honesty, I just feel adrift—like I’m just merely existing at the present moment in time instead of truly living. Part of it, I’m sure, is that I’m in the midst of a drug transition, so things will be off for a little bit as the new dosage either helps or hinders my progression back to a state of “normalcy.”

What quandary do you currently face? What mountain are you climbing? For me, I’m going to continue to keep climbing, and just hope that I don’t fall into the molehill along the way.

❤ Linz

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